Reflecting

     I wonder if what I did was right today.  I wonder if she is mad at me.  Did I say the wrong thing?  Could I have been more kind?  These are questions I face sometimes living a Christian life.  Self-reflection can be a good thing.  I believe God wants us to do it to keep our hearts in a humble place.  It allows us to know if we need to go back and apologize for something or if we can to correct something we have done or not done.  It keeps us accountable to ourselves, God and others.  Most of the time it is a blessing, but sometimes it can be a burden.
     Doubt, fear and worry all can jump in these reflections without any warning.  It’s frustrating when I am thinking about someone that seems angry with me and I dig into the last few days to try and remember what problem I may have caused.  For the life of me, I cannot find a reason.  This can lead to obsessing and worrying that your offense will never be forgiven.  It can take over your thoughts, take over your dreams, or worse keep you from sleeping at all.  I think we have to reflect on ourselves in a healthy way; the way God meant for us.
    Jesus said, blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.  Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.  Sometimes people will get angry at us, for what seems like no good reason at all.  So then what?  There is never any harm in asking them if you’ve offended them.  Sometimes we are blind to our own actions and need to be told that we have hurt someone.  Pride must be swallowed and the answers need to be a priority.  If we’ve done what is asked of us, we’ve taken a step back and looked at ourselves in the mirror, we’ve asked them and they don’t respond, then it’s time to accept the fact that the problem may be on their end.  No judging just deducing.  It may not even be something we did.  Perhaps they are going through a trial and are not ready to talk about it.
     In this case, all we can do is practice what is called the three P’s:  Prayer, patience, and persistence.  We need to pray for them to forgive us and for our relationship to be healed.  Pray for them in general, and for any trials they may be facing.  Be attentive and look for clues as to what you can pray for them.  We must be patient after we pray and not let the cold shoulder or different attitude from them affect the relationship even more.  Patience means overlooking our feelings and acting in love.  Finally we have to be persistent.  This doesn’t mean that we should keep asking them to forgive us, especially if they’ve already denied we did anything wrong in the first place.  Persistence just means to not give up on them.  Trust that they will come around.  Sometimes things aren’t about us at all and us being there for them is the best gift we could give them.  It shows that we are a real friend and that even when times are tough, we stand by them.  Healthy reflection is looking inward, but trusting God and knowing when to stop.



Not So Great Expectations

     Do you ever wonder why we have expectations?  Saturday my daughter competed in a horse show.  Of course, she was extremely excited the night before.  I’m sure she had visions of standing alongside her horse at the end of the day with ribbons hanging from Belle’s halter and a heart swelling with pride for her well-behaved, cooperative horse.  She did bring home some ribbons, but the horse didn’t exactly reach her part of the bargain, as far as expectations went. 
     I’ve been trying, as of late to find my joy.  Find my joy even when it’s hiding under piles of stress, fear, worry and doubt.  It hides under deadlines, in my busy schedule, in the mess.  It hides like my inaudible voice asking yet again for that same request.  I accidently leave it at home when I’m out in the traffic or a crowded place, reacting to inconsiderate strangers.  My joy is always hiding from me, just when I think I’ve captured it for good.  I tell myself during a peaceful study about joy that I can do it.  I can hang onto my joy the next time it tries to hide.  Then it gets away.  It hid on Saturday morning.
     We were running behind, and had expectations, things we wanted to do before the show started.  The event was held by the American Junior Paint Horse Association and was an amateur show for any breed.  They called it Paint for a Day, and the contestants literally had to paint their horse to enter.  She had big plans for painting Belle.  She wanted to fix her mane and tail and we were running late.  By the time the show was starting we had only managed to slap some paint on, no hairdo and no smiles were left.  The paint job she expected to do didn’t work out, disappointment number one.  However, within the next 30 minutes, she was standing with her horse’s halter in one hand and her second place ribbon in the other.  At least one expectation was met.

     As the day went on we had to endure Belle’s off-day.  She was so uptight and obviously distressed over not being at home.  She doesn’t travel much and has a tendency to act this way when things are different.  She still needs more training and it really shows in situations like these.  I could blame it on the heat, or Belle, or my daughter’s bad attitude, or anything, and I found I was.  My joy had once again hidden and I knew it.  At that moment I didn’t feel sad about it being gone, I didn’t care.  I remember thinking about it and feeling rebellious in that moment.  I didn’t care if I was acting joyful or feeling joyful.  It was what I wanted to be, but did I really?  No, I was miserable.  I could have stopped and looked at the blessings around me.  Right there in that moment.  Looking back I do feel sad.  That show, which we expected to be a fun and exciting day, was a day of complaining and groaning.
     I have to learn not to react to the storm around me.  When the winds are swirling around my head, and the lightning is crashing to my right and to my left, I have to trust.  When I feel I’m drowning in the pouring rain and I feel over my head in the floods of life, I have to trust and rest in his arms.  I have to listen for his voice over all of the distractions and be still and know that he is God.  When the expectations of life get crushed by the storms of reality, I have to see that God is in the real, not the supposed.  When life is happening all around me, I should be able to hear him saying in his calm and sure way, “Peace, be still.”  And I should trust.

All the World is a Stage

     The community pool is our friend in the summer time.  We are there two or three days a week to beat this summertime heat and enjoy some relaxation together.  I suppose the lifeguards have to deal with many obstacles in their job and this year the rules changed.  They now require that every child take a swim test every fifteen days and they record it in a book.  That’s fine for the oldest, but for the youngster the pressure was on.  I’ve seen him swim.  He’s been doing just fine.  He used to have such a fear of the water and has come a long way.  He passed the first time he tried this summer then the tests started again only three days later.
     He stood at the edge of the pool as the lifeguard stood alongside him and gave him the test instructions.  I saw him nodding and looking in the direction she was pointing.  He looked ready; he looked…nervous.  Then he jumped in and began to swim.  He was to swim around 20 feet then tread water for five seconds.  I watched from a chair and said a little prayer for him, but about half way there it was like he just quit.  I watched and felt disappointed for him; then I went over to talk with him and the lifeguard.  He was told he could have a second chance the next time he came to the pool.  He was so sad.

     Since then, we have been back several times and each time he tries to do the test, it becomes more and more of a negative experience.  He doesn’t even want to try anymore.  I was thinking about it today when we came home from the pool, while I was cleaning.  I remembered when I was in seventh grade and played the clarinet in band.  Every week we would have a chair test.  I would practice all week.  I knew the notes and how to play them.  I knew it without the book.  Most times, though, I would let myself down.  I would get so nervous that I couldn’t do what I knew I was capable of achieving.  I did the same thing when I tried out for cheerleading in high school.  I could barely breathe, much less belt out a cheer.  I had no confidence.
     When I knew I was being watched by many as I got up to perform, I would completely shut down.  I still don’t like to get up in front of people and be the center of attention, but it only causes some slight discomfort now.  I thought about how it is so nerve-wracking to get up in front of plain, ordinary people, but every day we all get up in front of God and perform.  Do we feel nervous?  Do I feel under pressure to perform to the best of my ability?  I don’t think I’ve thought about it this way.  When I am going about my day I have an audience with God.  I don’t need to be nervous, but I do need to know that He’s with me.  He’s with me, and if I fail or do less than my best he will still cheer for me and encourage me with words of promise.  I will get more chances.  I don’t need to see each mistake as a failure, but think of it as a chance to do it again next time.  Next time I will do it better!
     I talked to my son about these thoughts and told him that he wasn’t alone.  We all feel these feelings and we are all being tested.  God is there and He’s real and in the midst of his nervous anticipation he can pray and ask for God to help him.  We all fail.  We all succeed.  Thanks to God we get chances to try again and when we’ve finally hit the mark we can thank Him.  Thank Him that we did it!  Thank Him for the chances.  Thank Him for being there to cheer us to victory.  Most of all thank Him for the challenges in life for without them we could never grow and have the confidence we need to succeed.

Dreams: A Gift from God

     The need to go home was overwhelming.  I had to get there, but the only way was upstream.  I plunged in and began to fight the current.  I wanted to go a different way or a shorter way, but this was the way.  I was in it now and must not turn back.  After swimming for awhile I saw him, just up ahead on the bank.  I pleaded for him to pull me up, but he smiled kindly, and urged me to go further.  Not completely exhausted yet, I agreed without much protest and continued swimming. 
     Just around the bend I saw something in the water.  Something with very large scales and huge teeth, and I screamed for a hero.  Just then I saw him on the bank again with a sling shot.  He swung it around several times in short circles and then let go.  A pebble left the sling as if it was in slow motion and I watched it fly through the air.  I could feel its power and knew the aim had been dead on before it hit anything.  It hit the river monster right between the eyes and down it went without a sound.  I turned to look into the conqueror’s eyes, he was gone.  I continued to swim.
     I was swimming steadily, beginning to feel the fatigue when I heard the sound of swirling water.  I looked up ahead and saw it.  There was a huge, swirling vortex in the middle of the river and I was already being pulled toward it.  Desperately trying to swim in the opposite direction, flailing and paddling with all of my might, I could not break away from its grip.  I began to cry out for help, screaming and pleading.  Just then I felt something brush my back.  I turned to look and noticed that it was a vine.  I grabbed onto it and held tight.  As I held it, I was steered completely around the whirlpool and taken to safe waters on the other side.  I felt the gentle current trying to take me back toward the danger so I let go of the vine and began to swim upstream again.

     I was so tired.   My legs were aching, my side was burning, my arms, oh, my arms.  I asked, “Lord, I need your help.  I’m so tired.  Will you come please?”
     Opening my eyes I saw the most glorious sight.  A raft made of logs was floating right toward me.  I only had one chance to catch it before it passed me by so using all of my concentration and every bit of strength I had left I threw myself toward it as it came along side of me.  I did it!  I climbed aboard the wonderful vessel and laid on its surface.  Never once did I worry that it would float in the wrong direction, downstream.  I was learning to trust.  I closed my eyes and slept.  When I awoke I felt rested and ready for whatever was next.  When I heard the sound of roaring water, a waterfall!  I looked ahead and wondered how I could be heading toward a waterfall when I was swimming upstream.  I didn’t have time to wonder for long, because I was getting closer and had to find a way out.  I cried out again.
     I heard someone calling my name over the plunging falls.  I looked desperately for the source.  There he was on the bank gesturing for me to come.  I jumped off of the raft and began to swim toward him.  Swimming harder and faster than ever before to get to my savior.  When I reached him, he bent and offered his hand to me.  I took it and he pulled me up and out of the treacherous waters and onto the safety of dry ground, home.  He looked at me and smiled.
     “You have arrived, your journey is finished.” Jesus said.  I hugged him.
     “You never once left me alone,” I said, with tears in my eyes.  “You didn’t keep me from my journey that I had to go through to get here, but you never once left me to do it alone.  Thank you.”

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

     

     Before I knew it the tears were just spilling out of my eyes!  In the midst of it happening, I was taken aback.  Where did these come from?  It has been difficult for me to show my emotions for a long time.  I hardly ever cry anymore.  I’m not sure why.  I think I just got into the habit of suppressing them so that I could do “important” things.  Writing has opened the door.  A cob-webbed, creaky door that has been closed off and forgotten about for years has now been thrown open and the light is pouring in and helping me to see again.  This may sound strange, but even crying can be something to be thankful for, right there in the middle of it all, I was thankful.
     Too many days I have lived just crossing things off of a list.  Clean the house, check.  Go shopping, check.  Study bible, check.  I was being head-led instead of spirit-led.  The spirit was with me all along and sometimes I heard it loud and clear and obeyed it aside from my planning.  Mostly though, I just existed.  I’m ready to start living.  A real life, a deeper one, grounded in living for the one who gave me everything.  I want to stop and smell the roses; ponder what this life is really about and gain every bit of wisdom God has for me.  I want to feel what he wants me to feel.
     Pain is a hard thing to bear, but I believe sometimes that’s just what he wants us to feel.  Instead of avoiding pain, I need to look at it differently.  What is that saying?  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  There is!  Huge amounts of light.  Wisdom, more joy, peace of mind, tolerance, patience:  the list goes on and on.  Each time, every situation has a different hue of light to fill the void.  While living through a trial, focusing on the light may be the thing that keeps a heart joyful.  When the eyes have been in the darkness for just long enough to adjust to it, a peek down the tunnel could be the key to finding that one speck of light.  Keep peeking.

     Joy is always what he wants for us.  If nothing else in your pain can come to mind, there is always the cross.  Joy can come from that.  For me, lately joy has been the focus of my heart.  I’m trying to find it in the little things.  The cool of the air conditioner, that takes my breath away, when I enter the house in the heat of the day.  The beautiful black bird, with the ruby cheek, that was sitting on the fence at a traffic light.  The giggles of my kids and husband having a tickling match on my bed this morning.  Joy, it’s there!  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.  This wisdom is in the bible for us and though most think of it as a noble verse, a favorite, I’m not sure it has ever been considered a key verse.  I think it is the key.  How can a Christian really live for him without this mindset?  How can you really trust, not worry, love and the rest without joy in the forefront of your mind?
    To make a long story short, those tears the other night were a blessing from God.  They helped me to finally let my heart be heard.  They helped me to be understood and to heal.  Tears in sadness turned out to be tears of joy.

His Way is Always Best

     Thinking tonight about answers to prayers and how they never cease to surprise me.  When I pray, I learned long ago not to tell God how to fix something, I just pray.  I ask Him to fix it His way and give it to Him.  It always amazes me how He orchestrates these repairs.   Just lately I’ve been asking Him to help me with my oldest, who is twelve.  I have been trying to no avail to teach her responsibility.  Natural consequences and plenty of advice (nagging) and one new plan after another to help us “get” each other, haven’t seemed to quite sink in to the extent that I would like.
     Being with her every day, all day makes it even more difficult.  I’m sure that by now I sound like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoons, mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa…….!  I feel like a broken record.  Do people still use that simile?  Regardless, I feel like one and I despise that feeling.  I would love for her to get up every morning and look at her chore list without a word from me.  I would love for her to be ready to go on time.  Owning her education and being self-motivated would please more than I could even imagine.  So I pray.

      Then it happened.  Last week she was offered the opportunity to help out at a kid’s camp.  She did it with her whole heart and was recognized for that.  I was told by the person running the camp what a huge pleasure it was to have her assistance and that she was welcome to continue for some other campers this week.  On the ride home from the first day, she confided in me how she felt very grown-up.  “I felt like I had a job!” she said.  It made me smile.
     That’s when it hit me.  This is more important than both of us realized when she was offered the opportunity.  We thought of the fun.  We thought it would be a wonderful summer time-filler for her and she loves small children.  I now see it as an answer to my prayer.  God will use this to show her that responsibility can be a pleasant thing.  Doing good for others can be its own reward.  Having them depend on you and coming through for them is so rewarding.  The best part of it all is it’s not me depending on her.
       Never, in a million years, would I have thought to pray for that, but I didn’t need to think of it.  That’s what is so wonderful about praying and giving your problems to God.  Truly giving them up and waiting to see what He will do with them.  He is always faithful to deliver.  Remember to keep your heart open for the answer.  Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving.  God is good.

Kid for an Hour

     Eric and I were talking last night and I had a thought.  At what point in one’s life, does having fun become work?  It can be 100 degrees outside and you can look out the window from your air conditioned house and see kids out on the hot pavement skateboarding and biking, laughing and carefree.  It can be an arctic blizzard out that same window with icicles hanging from every surface, and children are happily sliding around and catching a snowball in the nose.  Oblivious is the word that comes to mind.  Happily, wonderfully lost in oblivion with nowhere to be and nothing to get done.
     Wouldn’t it be nice to go back and be in that world again?  I don’t remember ever feeling too hot or too cold to play outside with my friends.  Playing was the center of my attention and nothing else mattered.  I could play outside all day on a Saturday, and sometimes skip lunch and not even recognize it until my mom beckoned me to come in and eat something.  Clocks were just fixtures on the wall that I hardly noticed.  I remember going to a friend’s house and asking my mom how long I could stay.  She would give me an hour limit and I thought that was eons.  Now an hour is barely enough time to do anything.  Time seems to slip away; minutes, hours, days, and months fly by.

     So when does this happen to a person?  Is it when that first job enters your life?  Does it happen little by little or all at once?  I don’t remember, but I wish I could have kept the good part of childhood.  I’m aware that I have to watch the clock now, but do I have to watch it all of the time?  I could ignore it some days and get lost in that beautiful place:  oblivion.  In those times my creative mind could take over and I could be fun for awhile.  Maybe I could schedule oblivion time into my day.
     “Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.”  And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.   Jesus wants us to be oblivious to some degree.  He wants us to be fun-loving and to laugh and smile and enjoy each other.  He wants us to be at peace and for us to not have stress.  We should trust him like we trusted our parents to take care of us when we were children.  There are some things I’m sure he would prefer that we ignore.
     We pick up things as we grow older.  Racism, political strife, religious disagreements, pride, just to name a few, these are all things I regret I ever gave attention.  They are ugly.  There is no place for them in heaven and there should not be a place for them here either.  If we all spent more time like a child, lost in their world, I believe it would be a wonderful world to live in.  So, on that note, set the timer and be oblivious today.